the end

i’m not sure how much Australia has changed me. I can see some of the little things at work in my life. I don’t mind walking as much and I have no problem waiting a little longer for things. patience is something that was sort of ground into me in Australia. Travel doesn’t intimidate me as much and the thought of driving for a few hours is really nothing (as I’ve driven and flown and sailed and spent countless hours getting from here to there). I hate processed foods and I’ve felt caged in in the states because we have little food that is not processed. I can see some of the changes in my personality and some of the things that have made me different. I’m starting to see which of my friendships from Australia are the most important to me by how much I miss those people. I know that I have changed, but it’s hard to pinpoint exactly how. I know that that will come with time and I’ll soon begin to see larger ways in which I have been changed. I just hope the changes last. I think that it could be easy to fall right back into the American way of life and lose the understanding and the knowledge I’ve learned. I pray that that won’t happen.

The other day I realized what a bad memory I have and I sort of cursed myself for not keeping a journal (or at least an accurate, up-to-date one). I started with one of my good friends and began to write down all the meaningful times we had. I listed all of the conversations that meant something big to me and were really powerful for me (whether he knew it or not). I remembered quite a few of them, but I know that I’m missing some. I really value my friendship with this kid, and I hope that he knows it. then I moved to another person and did the same thing. If only she knew how much she had changed me. How her influence helped me to get through the semester and not crash and burn half-way through. How her jokes and the times where we just BS’d or just sat and talked helped me out. I sat there for about a half-hour just writing down all the really good talks or times that I had with different people. If only they knew how much they had influenced me. if only I knew how much they had influenced me. I’m still feeling those affects and I’m writing them down. I don’t want to forget them.

My friend mandy made some really good points in one of her entries about Australia. Yes, I do miss things from there, but I don’t hate America, necessarily. While I would rather be enjoying sushi and walking around circular quay with my friends, or wandering through tourist shops with ethan, or laughing until I almost peed a little with liz or josh or kathy, or making ridiculous faces for the camera with maren or natalie, or just sitting and talking with ben and danielle, I can’t say that I don’t love things here. I would love to be doing those other things, and I miss all of those people, but now I can love the people back home as well. I can’t wait to walk through a darkened Greenville, going for slushies at the moto-mart with Caitlin, or talking about theology/conservatives/liberals with josh or cooking/watching movies with Katie g. or having coffee with Jacob (or sweet tea for you?) or dressing up in ridiculous costumes and going to the all night diner with andy/anna/josh/etc. or doing any number of crazy things with crazy people. I can’t list all the things I want to be doing in either place, Australia or Greenville. Both hold special places I my heart, and I would love to be at either. To steal a line from mandy, I can’t hate the American accent because so many people I love speak with that accent, and I can’t hate driving on the “right” side of the roads because those roads lead me to my friends and family. All in all, my heart is in two places. Well, my heart is all over the globe with so many people, and that makes me really happy. I love them all.

Anyway, right now I’m in transit. In Nebraska today, moving to my sister’s in Iowa tomorrow. I’m still cut off from both places for the moment. I won’t see my Australia friends for a while and I won’t see my Greenville friends for a week or so (and then only for the weekend). Right now I miss them both, but I’m oddly content just to be here and reflect and eat cake that my mom made for me and beat up my growing freshman brother and make jokes with my dad. One more day of relaxation and watching movies and sleeping in and then off to my sister’s to spend time there and slip mints to her fiancé and talk about her wedding and reminisce about my time down under and just be with her. A few weeks there, then time with family for Christmas and then back to Greenville for the next best semester. I’m excited for when this feeling of trasit will end. When I’ll be able to stop living out of a suitcase and finally settle down the first time since last may.

still unpacking, still taking naps, still adjusting to the states, still missing the aussie accent, still missing the australians, still missing my american friends, still amazed that it all happened, still waiting for it to all hit me at once. but i'm okay. actually, I’m great.

the land of green

Some might find it hard to describe the trip to New Zealand. Not me. It was green, and that’s basically it. . . Well, that’s not completely true. It was very green and there was a lot of vegetation, and it was exciting and interesting and different and pretty and fun and there were lots of sheep and the coca-cola tasted different (better than Australia) and the people were super nice and it was a lot like Australia but a lot unlike Australia. Let me expound.

When one goes to Australia for the first time, one often thinks “oh, this will be all kangaroos and wallabies and will be complete desert and the people will be corny but nice, just like Crocodile Dundee or Seven Irwin.” While some of this is true, not all is. Australia, in a lot of ways, is like an odd cross between various parts of Europe, the south pacific, and a big slice of America. It’s a lot more American than you would expect or probably realize. They usually side with the US when it comes to politics, they have a lot of American companies, and the people are inundated with American icons, music, movies, ideas, and culture. New Zealand is different. If Australia is a cross between the south pacific and the United States, then New Zealand is a cross of the south pacific and England. The landscapes look European and are pretty and green whereas the landscapes in Australia are harder and starker. There were parts that reminded me of scenes from Sweden or Switzerland. The plants in Australia seem like they have to fight their way to existence where as in NZ the landscape is lush with plant life. The people of New Zealand seem more relaxed and yet more proper and have something oddly European to their nature. It’s sort of hard to describe.

Thinking of New Zealand makes me think of deep blues, lush greens, and stark white. Traveling through the island by coach helped me to better understand the people. It seems that the towns are sort of temporary and that the vegetation could easily come and eat up the settlements. It’s still sort of wild, but in a subdued and grand sort of way. It’s hard to explain. It’s like Australia, but not quite as deadly. For instance, on bush walks you don’t have to worry about being bit by deadly snakes or poisonous spiders and or hurt by any wild mammals. In general it is just lush and beautiful yet somehow untamed. The people who live there are linked to the land and yet seem to be from some far off country. They are polite and happy, yet don’t quite fit in. Again, it’s really hard to describe.

The indigenous people of New Zealand, the Maori, are much different that the Australian Aboriginal people. The Maori are fierce and in your face. They are boisterous, vibrant, and full-on. They were a warring people and fought for what they had. Many of them lived on the coast and had huge canoes that would fit over a hundred warriors. While they are completely unique they somehow fit into the bigger context of the people across all of the south pacific. They are part of a larger story of movement and are one small sect of a large mass of people who populate what is now Polynesia. Just like the European settlers, they seem to fit in, but are still foreign to the land. The island was once uninhabited, and then the Maori came, and then the Europeans. While both groups are now part of the island, in a way, they still seem as if they are only momentary inhabitants in the scheme of things.

One thing that I loved about the Maori people is their art. The beautiful designs that they carve and paint are incredible as they wind along sculptures on garments and in tattoos. Where Australian Aboriginal peoples are known for the music of the didgeridoo the Maori people are known for their song. They sing and dance and the culture is so unique and beautiful.

It’s interesting to note the differences in which the two cultures, Australian and Kiwi, have adopted and integrated the cultures of these indigenous peoples. In Australia, the Aboriginal people have their own flag, culture, and are still fighting for their rights. They are a strong resilient people; an enduring group. They have been on the land for 40,000-60,000 years and they know that they will last for many more and I feel as if this gives them a more subtle feel. The Maori people on the other hand are more distinct and will not let themselves be forgotten by the larger culture in any way. Their artwork permeates the society and can be found on coins, buildings, and even on the logo of Air New Zealand. They have infiltrated the popular culture and are everywhere. Honestly, the two native peoples are a lot alike and they have both been accepted and are beginning to be better understood by the broader culture, seeing a glimpse of New Zealand has shown me that the Maori influence upon New Zealand is an interesting and unique one. Different, yet sort of like the Aboriginal people. Again, hard to describe. . .

So I guess New Zealand isn’t so easy to talk about. All in all, New Zealand was a beautiful country with a completely unique yet somewhat familiar culture. I had a great time while I was there and got to travel a bit through the North Island, the village of Rotorua, and the city of Auckland. The week was a great time to relax, learn about a new place, and have some much needed time with my friends before saying my final goodbyes to them. It was a great time.

Photos courtesy Natalie Miller.

travel

When I was little I had a fascination with trains. I loved watching trains and would do so at any chance, getting excited when I could identify them: Union Pacific, Amtrack, etc. Once my parents took me to a museum about the history of Nebraska and there was an old caboose that I got to climb in and look around. I got to talk with the “engineer” all about how the train worked and I even got to dress up as an engineer. I would always get so excited when we would have to stop at a railroad crossing. With glee I would count the number of cars on the train, hoping against hope that the engineer might toot his horn and wave back at the little hand and face in the car window that was peering out at him. We lived a few miles from the train track, but I could hear the trains go by from our front porch. On nice summer nights I would sit with my dog and listen to the horns and the clacking of the wheels on the track.

I guess my fascination with transportation hasn’t changed much. The suburb that I go to school in and the suburb that I live in are both under the flight path of many of the planes that land at Sydney Airport. Sundays are the worst as huge international jetliners fill the sky and the air with their roaring engines. My friends whine about the sounds they make and the way that it disrupts their conversations, but I don’t mind. I love peering up to see their graceful forms, always trying and identify them: Qantas, Emirates, Air New Zealand, Malaysia, Air China. There’s something fascinating about them and their grace as they coast through the air, unaware of those below. They transfix my gaze and I try and comprehend their power, always wondering where they may have come from, or where they’re going.

The planes have been a huge part of my time here. They fly so close to the ground that you bet if you tried, you could hit one with a well timed ball or rock. They are so real to me and so close that I can’t block them out. They’re just a part of the day and a part of Sydney. But the planes don’t let me forget that my time here is limited. At first I would see them and get excited about how well you could see them so clearly and how beautiful they looked. While I still enjoy their beauty, they carry other meanings for me. In about a week I’ll be on one of those graceful birds, flying away from this place. Just as those around me try to forget and push the idea of the planes from their mind, I know that they will see my plane and look away. It’s just another plane. Just another group of people leaving Australia. Just another day.

While this idea of leaving and joining the every moving hoards in the sky has been depressing, I have slowly come to terms with it. All semester the planes have been soaring through the heavens, unaffected by my current trials or homework, the times with friends or the good and bad things. They are steady and will continue to fly, even when I’m gone. Life goes on, even though my chapter here ends. It doesn’t mean that I won’t have more flights later and it doesn’t mean that I can’t come back, but the planes continually soar on. As much as I hate it, my plane will eventually take off and join others in the sky.

My heart has been all over the board these last few weeks. There have been some troubles with friends and problems with relationships. I’ve been learning so much about myself and the people around me and I feel as if I’ve been making good decisions, but that doesn’t stop that fact that all of this change is a bit unnerving. I’ve also had heaps of homework, little sleep, and other issues that just make me a bit uneasy. I’ve talked to friends and mentors and really reached out to them in my vulnerability. The responses have been great. They’ve really listened and repeated back to me what I’ve been saying, giving advice and help when possible. Just the fact that they’ll listen to me when I’m spewing forth so much emotion means a lot.

I’ve also been leaning on God a lot these past few days. I’ve been crying out, bringing problems of my own and problems that my friends are facing and I know that God has heard my cry. Today on the bus I was swirling around in emotion and God pulled my attention. He reminded me of a song by Waterdeep. The song basically repeats the text from Psalm 131.

Psalm 131

A song of ascents. Of David.

1 My heart is not proud, O LORD,
my eyes are not haughty;
I do not concern myself with great matters
or things too wonderful for me.

2 But I have calmed and quieted my soul;
like a weaned child with its mother,
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

3 O Israel, trust in the LORD
from this day forth and forevermore.

Though his words and through the actions of those around me God has helped to calm and quiet my soul. When I got out of choir today I made my way to the green and just collapsed. I just sprawled out and enjoyed the sun. Talking with a good friend, listening to good music, eating a kiwi; nothing could have made those moments any better. Nothing could have stilled my soul better than that. I lay there and felt God moving around me and relaxing me. And while there are a lot of other things that are going on and I still have homework and there are still issues with my friends, God has helped me to relax and understand.

The planes flew over as I lay there on the grass and somehow they didn’t bother me so much. Seeing them reminds me of leaving, that’s true, but laying there and looking up at their soaring outlines wasn’t so bad. God has helped me to see my place and has helped me to be quiet and enjoy every second. Though there may be chaos going on around me, I have been able to sit down, quiet my soul, and let it all flow through me. As I lay there, listening to music I became transfixed. The texts caught me and I realized as I was listening, that my soul was speaking the words along with the music. This is my prayer for today.

Brighten My Heart

By Sixpence None the Richer

My heart is as dark as the soil sodden with winter rains.
My soul is as heavy as the peat freshly dug from the bog.
My thoughts swirl like willow branches caught in autumn winds.
My body as tense as a cat's as it stalks its prey.

Chorus
Help me open my heart to You,
Help me open my heart to You,
Help me open my heart to You, oh Jesus.
It's what I long to do.

My heart is as dark as the soil sodden with winter rains.
(Lord, brighten my heart)
My soul is as heavy as the peat freshly dug from the bog.
(Lord, lighten my soul)
My thoughts swirl like willow branches caught in autumn winds.
(Lord, still my thoughts)
My body as tense as a cat's as it stalks its prey.
(Lord relax my body)

what a weekend

it's funny how sometimes things just work out. i say this because this last weekend has been really stressful for me but somehow everything has eventually evened out.

friday was a great night as danielle and i went into the city to see a movie (little miss sunshine. totally worth your time and $12) and then spent some time talking. all last week i was feeling a little homesick/sad about leaving here and so on friday night before the movie, danielle and i hunted down a "hungry jacks" (australian for burger king. literally it's the same store and same logo and same food with a different name) and bought american milkshakes. it was perfect and totally hit the spot. i know that people could probably debate this and say that God doesn't work in large internationally owned fast food stores and high sugar/fat milkshakes, but i would just call that limiting God. I really needed that night to decompress with danielle and laugh at a movie and enjoy her company. it was just what i needed.

in the same way, saturday was perfect. i had my last day at my service project (hillsong kids) and it was great. things went really well and we were having a "back to school party" and there was a magician and lots of time to spend just playing with the kids. it was tiring, but good. after that danielle and i went to the beach and had a hilarious time. we went to bondi beach (one of the most well known beaches in the world/australia) on one of the most busy and hot days so far. it was packed. we slathered on sun screen and started to enjoy our waterside view until we noticed all the couples making out around us. i swear, the couple in front of us, the one immediately to our right and then to our left. why would they make out on such a hot day? it was a little weird and inappropriate and danielle and i felt a bit uncomfortable. so, we got up and swam a while. suntanned (turned away from the couples) and enjoyed the beach. then, as the sun was setting, we headed home. i showered off all the salt and had a relaxing night. a perfect day.

sunday was also amazing. danielle, maren, ethan, josh, mandy, and jen and i all showed up at St. James (i love that church) and enjoyed the service there. after nibbles (cheese and juice in the CRYPT! how cool) we headed out for lunch. then we went to circular quay to see some of our classmates do their performance for dance ministry. it was great and we even got to dance with them a little. after that, ethan, the other david, kimberly (the program director) and i all went to the aquarium. it was amazing. we had such a fun time just walking around and talking and oohing and aahing about different fish. amazing.

yesterday, monday was good. i spent time in class and then got to spend heaps of time with friends in and around classes in the afternoon. it was a good day.

then today, i was feeling really crappy. i woke up and was a little tired and just kinda burdened by things i was thinking about from school. i was really depressed about having to leave and thinking about how hard it will be. i want to enjoy what time i have left and live it out to the fullest, really connecting with people. i know i have connected, but that's part of the problem i'm just sad/scared about leaving it all. in a few weeks i have to say goodbye to people that i have shared my life with. i have completely opened up to these people and can't imagine not being able to talk for hours or go into the city or just be near them. it's hard for me to let myself disengage and try and say goodbye. i know it's coming, but it's hard for me to think about. that said, i came and spent some time with friends, i went to my class and was just kind of moping around in the library, half-working on my assignments. then i realized that i still had my "one free coffee" card with kimberly, our director. so i went and had coffee with her and it was so great. i really needed that interaction and i really needed that release and that time. who knew that a mocca and time with my teacher (she's way more than that) would be exactly what i needed, but it was. again, you can say that God doesn't work in mocca's and talks, but God was so present in this. I so needed that time. it was perfect.

it's weird how God can work everything out. even when i don't realize him, he's there taking care of me. i have been learning how to thank God for all the blessings he gives me: the ones that i see and especially for the ones that i take for granted.

photos courtesy Ethan Long

what i miss.

things that i love about Australia that i'm afraid i will miss:

1) the availability of cadbury chocolate. i swear, i've gained 10 pounds beacuse of this. actually, one of my goals while here in Australia is to try every single candy bar in the cadbury line. it's a big goal, but i'm pretty sure that i can do it.

2) living in the city. Greenville is about 30-45 minutes from St. Louis, but it's not the same as actually living in the city. I will miss it (even if living in the city means noises, people everywhere, smog, etc.)

3) MY FRIENDS! thinking about leaving hurts so much. i've known it's coming and it's still quite far away. i know that a lot of this feeling comes from the fact that i'm thinking about it, i'm listening to music that makes me sort of sad and nostalgic, and i'm hungry. however, it just hurts to think that i'm going to lose my friends so soon. that of my best friends, that the closest will be at least a 4 hour plane ride away. ugh!

4) the aboriginal people and their rich cultural heritage. through learning about the aborigines and hearing their stories i've really developed an interest in native americans and their story. i've connected with this people and have only begun to understand their struggles and their story.

5) the accent. the accent is so cool and i'm going to miss hearing it every second. it's just going to be weird when it's gone.

6) i will definitely miss the harbour. it's so great to be that close to water and to be able to take ferries and do other things near the water. also, the fun places around the harbour, luna park, the opera house, circular quay, darling harbour, are so great to spend time at.

7) the people! they are so great. i will miss even the little things and the people that i get to interact with in the streets.

8) i could probably go on for about 8 more pages worth of things that i will miss, but i'd better stop here, for your and my sake.

things about the states that i miss and will love to have back:

1) being able to walk 5 minutes to class (as opposed to taking a 20 minute bus ride every day)

2) milkshakes. here, if you get a milkshake, you get a very thin flavored drink. it's just milk, with flavor. if i wanted that, i would buy milk. i guess what i want is called a "thickshake" here. either way, i'm excited about coming back to steak and shake!

3) AMERICAN COCA-COLA!

4) my car. public transport is nice and i feel so great taking it. it's nice to know that i'm saving money and helping the environment and all of those other things that public transport is good for. however, I will love the freedom of being able to go anywhere i want whenever I want.

5) the plains. i can't wait to see the plains again.

6) my friends and family from back home. it's weird to be so far away and not able to just call up or go and see someone whenever i need to. i'll be excited to be back with them.


so, i love being here and i miss not being at home. it's so weird to think that i only have a few more weeks left. i have matured so much while i'm here, i've learned more than i thought i would, i've made some of the best friends ever, i've had so much fun, i've been stretched a lot, and i have learned so much about God. i'm so glad i did this semester. i'm not sure what i expected coming in, and i'm pretty sure that what has happened is more/different that what i would have guessed, but what has happened is perfect.

the weekend

a beautiful weekend. on friday ben, danielle, and i headed into the city and spent some time shopping for books, dresses, and other things. danielle needed a dress, i needed a book, and ben needed nothing in particular. however, ben got mean looks (and swears) for his hijinks on the escelators. danielle and i gave him no looks as we are both scaredy cats and didn't want to see what was happening. anyway, no one bought anything but it was great just to hang out with those two cats. after a while, ben had to head home for a meeting and so danielle and i grabbed supper in hyde park. the sydney morning herald has dubbed it "good food month" and heaps of vendors were set up in the park selling lots of cheap thai, some indian, dutch pancakes (which were small and cute), ice cream, etc. we grabbed some food and then walked around looking at huge pictures which were on display for another festival going on. then we found some starbucks and sat and had a good talk. it was a great night and we laughed and were creeped out by the people who stopped to talk to us/the weird guy who sat down on our park bench when there were about 5 empty ones around us. he was weird. . .great night, thought.

saturday was nice. i got up early and headed to Hillsong Kids, my service project here. we had an outing yesterday and headed to a national park. i thought it was going to be a little slice of chaos, but it was great. i tramped down this huge hill with a kid on my shoulders (mark anthony. he is soooo cute) and then had a great time while the kids got to throw spears (frightening), heave boomerangs, ride in boats, and generally have a great time. after making it home, i was tired and hot. i showered, napped, read, and then watched a movie with joe and vanessa (roommate and host). it was relaxing.

sunday, i got up early and enjoyed the morning before heading in to church. i've said it before, but i really do love my church. st. james is a place where i can go and feel like a part of the congregation, even though i don't really know anyone there. every time i go, i get teary-eyed. i didn't think i would today and then in the middle of one of the songs, as the server was blessing us with incense it just happened. something about that church makes me well up with emotion every week. sometimes it's the wine, sometimes the choir, sometimes the confession, sometimes the organ. i love it. today the sermon was riveting and afterwards everyone just sat in this heavy silence. it's always such a visceral experience and exactly what i need.

after the service i went down into the crypt and enjoyed some refreshments. i then ventured into the church bookstore lovingly dubbed "the crypt shop." i skimmed through their cheap choral music and almost splurged on the cds. then i saw what i had come in for, a book of common prayer. i'd been looking for one for a while and finally found one here in my own church bookshop. i'm really excited to start working through it.

go forth into the world in peace; be of good courage; hold fast that which is good; render to no one evil for evil; strengthen the fainthearted; support the weak,; help the afflicted; give honour to all; love and serve the Lord, rejoicing in the power of the Holy Spirit; and the blessing of God Almighty, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, be among you and remain with you always. Amen.

the bush trip

I’ve been pretty emotional recently. I’m not exactly sure what brought this on, but something did. Actually, it’s been coming on all semester (all year?). I’ve become more vulnerable and have just started feeling things more. I’m leaning more on my heart than my head, and while that’s extremely liberating, in ways it’s frightening. It’s as if someone has given me a third arm or shown me a new way to see. It’s dazzling and exciting, but a little overwhelming at times.

My recent emotional build-up started a week ago at church with the beautiful service at St. James. I love that church and really feel as if it’s my home while I’m here. I love the procession and the liturgy, the incense and the whole feel of the church. I just love it. I’m really not one to cry, but at several points during the service (the hymns, the communion, the confession) my eyes well up and I shudder a little. I can rarely sing through the Alleluia’s without choking up. I’m seeing a side of God that I never have before and it’s amazing. St. James just makes me feel malleable and new. The service last week was really beautiful and the first time I had gone alone. I walked out of the church excited for the week and full of joy and peace.

That afternoon we left for the bush trip. The ride wasn’t too long, but by the time we got there, I was ready to get out and stretch. The evening went alright (except for the fact that the power was out). We started right away and were all sorted into different totems (a natural object or an animate being, as an animal or bird, assumed as the emblem of a clan, family, or group-thanks to dictionary.com). Danielle, Maren, Natalie, Josh, and I became the waddigun, or crow. For the rest of the bush trip we traveled together, hung out together, made food together, and did everything together.

The next few days were extraordinary. We took bush walks, visited different parts of the country, learned about aboriginal culture and practices, and had lots of time to really internalize it. I learned so much about myself on that trip and feel as if I really started to connect with the land and this culture that I know so little about. I began to understand some of the ideas that Oomera, our teacher, was presenting. More than that, I really started to see how God was present in everything, and I began to see God in nature. To say that I’m not “outdoorsy” is an understatement, but somehow I really enjoyed being outdoors for this trip. I loved our walks, leaping over rocks, breathing in the fresh air, and just sitting and taking it in.

Our last night there was incredible. My totem prepared the food for the night, stir-fry, and that was a blast. Maren and I (and Danielle, who is a vegetarian) cut the chicken and prepared it for grilling. That was a hoot. Then we all prepared vegetables and rice and other things and had so much fun just talking and working together. Later Josh and I fried up everything on a huge grill as the girls worked on the rice and put some other things together. We had so much fun just preparing the meal for everyone.

After everyone ate we separated and prepared for the final dance/song. Our totem, made our way to the bathrooms to prepare. We made a paste out of ashes and native rocks and painted our faces. I’ll admit that we looked pretty amazing. when it came our turn to come out to the campfire, we flapped our arms as if they were wings and flew out to the campfire, speaking our name, “waddigun.” It was incredible. All of the totems came together, kangaroo, goanna, wallaby, kookaburra, crow, to sing our song. Over the course of the week we had all been learning a song in native languages to sing around the campfire. Something about it really clicked for our group and it was just such a fun and meaningful experience. The rest of the night I moved from inside (card games) to the fire to the hammocks to back inside. It was such a relaxing night.

The bush trip was heaps of fun, and I learned a lot. I can’t say that I didn’t have down moments, but overall it was great. I became so much closer with the people in my totem group and that was exactly what I needed. I also connected with the land and really started to understand what the aboriginal peoples were talking about. It was one of our best trips so far.

photos courtesy Maren Coleman